


Your Scars Remind Me That the Past Is Real

by SaintOfLosAngeles



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Scars, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 12:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20873858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintOfLosAngeles/pseuds/SaintOfLosAngeles
Summary: Nikki always has a shirt on, when he sleeps, when he fucks, all the time. Tommy wants to know why.





	Your Scars Remind Me That the Past Is Real

**Author's Note:**

> Definite trigger warning for past abuse on this one y’all. This was written via Tumblr request. If the ending feels rushed... well... I tried? Y’all know I hate endings and titles lol!

If you asked either one of the Terror twins, it had taken _entirely_ too long for them to finally get their shit together, to finally get their heads out of their ass, and acknowledge the feelings that had always been right in front of them since they had met in that shitty diner one year ago.

Better late than never, but the lost time had always bothered them both, especially Tommy. He knew he was greedy, but only when it came to Nikki. He wasn’t ashamed of that, he was greedy, selfish, and couldn’t get enough of the raven haired boy, and wanted him all to himself- all day every day.

Their world had changed just over one month ago, while Tommy had been sitting on the railing of their balcony smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer, when Nikki had snuck up beside him, swinging himself up onto the railing next to the drummer, commenting on how unusual it was that he wasn’t in with the rest of the party.

Maybe it was the way the moonlight and artificial streetlights had shone in Nikki’s eyes, making them an even _brighter_ shade of green than normal. Maybe it was the way the wind had pushed some of the straight black strands into his face, one rouge strand sticking to his lip and driving Tommy _wild_. Or maybe it was the way the Nikki’s thigh was plastered up to the side of his own, his warmth seeping through Tommy’s skin tight leather pants to heat up his entire body. Tommy didn’t know for sure, all that he knew was that if he went _one more second_ without kissing Nikki, he was going to combust, so in a moment of hazy weakness he was cupping his bassist’s face and kissing him as deep as his trembling body would allow him, trying to sink himself into Nikki, because _dammit_ if he was gonna get knocked out for this he was gonna make it worth it.

But Nikki was kissing back, arms snaking up to wrap around Tommy’s neck like they belonged there, like they did this all the time, like this was the most natural thing in the fucking world.

Everything had been perfect since that night, Tommy couldn’t ask for anything better. Nikki had moved him into his room (he had _INSISTED_ on having the private room when they moved in together), he got to fall asleep with Nikki curled up in his arms, and he got to wake up the exact same way. He got to fuck Nikki on Vince’s bed when he pissed him off, and he had someone to plan a future with, both as a couple and as a band mate.

But there was one thing that bothered Tommy, he couldn’t put his finger on it but he knew Nikki was hiding something. Ever since they started having sex, something was off. Nikki would refuse to take his shirt off, everytime Tommy would make a move to remove his lover’s shirt, Nikki would flip himself over, begging for Tommy to eat him out, or lurch forward to suck on the drummer’s neck. Sometime’s he’d just writhe on the bed, begging Tommy to just _fuck him_ already, saying he couldn’t wait one more second, he knew Tommy could never deny him anything. It seemed that Nikki would do anything, really, to distract Tommy from what he was about to do.

The one time in over a month that he had fucked Nikki completely naked, Nikki had spent about an hour in the bathroom beforehand and made sure all the lights were off and the curtains shut, letting very little light illuminate the room.

Nikki didn’t even _sleep_ naked, which shocked the dummer. It was hot as hell in their tiny apartment, their lack of AC was always a problem in the summer and it was just now starting to cool down a little.

Tommy was determined to find out what his boyfriend was hiding and to be honest, he was at a complete loss. He didn’t know if maybe Nikki was insecure about his body, but that made absolutely no sense to Tommy because Nikki’s body absolutely _wrecked_ him in the best possible way, but Tommy knew that sometimes people didn’t see themselves for what they truly were.

Sex with Nikki was fucking exhilarating, and based on the _sinful_ sounds that left Nikki everytime Tommy would make him come, (he always knew Nikki would be a screamer), Tommy knew he felt the same way, but he wanted there to be no secrets in their relationship.

Absolutely _none_.

Because no matter how big or small, a secret is something that could ruin a relationship given enough time, and Tommy will _not_ let that happen to him and Nikki.

He had always been known as someone who was so irresponsible in love, someone who would find their ‘soulmate’ one day, and be left heartbroken and hating the other’s guts the next.

But this was different. He thought he knew what love was, but that was before. He had yet to tell Nikki those exact words, per say, he didn’t want to scare the bassist off, didn’t want him to think this was another one of his poorly thought out flings, so he tried to keep his affection limited to his gestures until he thought Nikki was ready for those words. He’d rather die, than lose Nikki at this point, and it scared him how true that was.

But Tommy didn’t want to think about that, he never liked to dwell on the negative too long. Life was short, and he tried to spend it as happily as he could, and it was what had Tommy skipping out early on the shittiest job he had yet. He had found a part time gig at a grocery store and it was perfect honestly, easy to steal some necessities when necessary, and day time hours only- meaning it didn’t interfere with the band at all.

Nevertheless, Tommy fucking _hated it _and was more than happy to slip his coworker some cash and his time card to swipe at quitting time, and pray his boss didn’t notice. It was a big store after all. He missed Nikki, and Nikki was particularly grumbly when he had to drag his ass out of bed this morning, arms in a vice-like grip around Tommy’s stomach, begging him to stay home. When Nikki had started peppering kisses on his shoulder, he had almost gave in, but _fuck,_ someone had to make sure they had enough beer to get the adequately drunk after their concert this weekend, and Tommy was nothing if not a team player.

But even if he gets caught, he had earned enough this week, and Nikki’s sad eyes when he had gotten out of bed were replaying over and over in his mind. So he was walking down the street towards his apartment, trying to keep from actually _skipping_ as he made his way back towards his home and towards his boyfriend.

Tommy was cautious to keep quiet as he turned the doorknob to his apartment- they never did bother to lock the door. He didn’t want to disturb Nikki if he was still sleeping, the older man had a late night last night absolutely _agonizing_ over lyrics, scribbling words out on paper only to crumple them up and toss them over his shoulder onto the floor of their living room, grumbling about how they just _weren’t good enough_ until Tommy had tossed the notebook aside and planted himself in Nikki’s lap in it’s place, proceeding to make the bassist forget all about his creative block with his mouth attached to Nikki’s neck.

But upon entering the apartment Tommy heard the shower running and he smiled to himself.

_Brilliant_.

Vince had spent the last few nights at his latest girlfriend’s house, so he knew it had to be Nikki, and what better way to surprise Nikki than some shower sex? Nikki would fucking love it.

As he creeped into the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind him, he squinted through the steam to make out the shape of his boyfriend’s body through the shower door, smiling to himself when he heard Nikki humming ‘Live Wire’ under his breath. He loved Crue’s music anyway, but he loved it even more because he remembered Nikki _writing_ that song, shoving the lyrics in his face with the most satisfied, toothy grin on his face, and throwing himself on top of Tommy when he commented how much he loved it. That was the moment that Tommy decided that, yeah, he was _in love_ with Nikki.

Opening the shower door with a smile on his face and a ‘_surprise_’ coming out of his lips, Nikki’s reaction was about the exact opposite of what Tommy had expected. Tommy barely had time to blink before Nikki was jumping in surprise, and shoving him out the still open door, his words harsh and reverberating to Tommy’s core when he growled “_Get the fuck out of here, T-bone!”_.

Tommy could do nothing but stand on the other side of the door, blinking at the wooden barrier between him and his boyfriend in shock.

_What the fuck was that?_

He had barely caught a glimpse of Nikki’s green eyes before he was shoved out the door with a strength that he had only caught glimpses of when Nikki had gotten into some fights with some loudmouths on the streets, but a strength that was _never_ directed towards him.

Again, Tommy found himself wondering, _What the fuck was that?_

“Nik? Baby… what’s wro..”

“_Go the fuck away, Tommy.”_

Tommy could honestly cry hearing those words come out of Nikki’s mouth. Hearing the love his life, his _best friend,_ tell him he didn’t want to be around him.

If it had been anyone else, Tommy would have left, stormed off to go stew at a friends house or at a bar, but this wasn’t just anyone. This was _Nikki_. No, he wasn’t going to leave, because despite Nikki’s harsh words Tommy knew that this was what Nikki did, this was how he handled emotions. Nikki feels threatened, overwhelmed, or any kind of overpowering emotion and he resorts to pushing people away, but he never wants them to go away, not really. Despite outer appearances Nikki fears being alone more than anything, and Tommy knew Nikki needed him right now.

Something was wrong, something had always been wrong, and at this point Tommy didn’t care if Nikki wanted to talk or not, he wasn’t going to leave.

So Tommy sat down on their dingy carpet and leaned himself up against the wall, hoping his presence would seep through the drywall and comfort the older man. Tommy could hear him sniffling and trying to pull himself together through the thin wooden door. It took everything inside of Tommy to not burst through the door and hug his boyfriend, to force that love and comfort on him, but Tommy knew that wouldn’t help Nikki the same way it would help him if their situations were reversed.

He was going to have to let Nikki come to him.

“I’m… I’m not going anywhere, baby. It’s okay… I promise it’s okay. Come out when you’re ready, I love you.”

Tommy swore he could hear Nikki choking out a sob at his words, but he said nothing, leaning his head back to thunk against the wall and shutting his eyes, ready for the long wait he knew he had before him.

Tommy wasn’t sure how long he had dozed off for, but when he was brought out of his unintentional nap on his hallway floor, the light outside had begun to fade into orange with the California sunset and there was a body sitting next to him on the floor.

He blinked at Nikki’s stony face, trying to get a reading on anything the bassist was thinking, but he was coming up empty. Nikki’s face was purposely blank, and Tommy hated it more than anything.

Reaching toward the older man, Tommy brushed some hair out of his boyfriend’s eyes to reveal the shining green that hid behind the thick locks of raven hair. Upon looking into his eyes, Tommy saw Nikki’s mask crack a tiny bit, his bottom lip quivering before taking it between his teeth, biting hard to will it to be still.

And for the first time since waking up, Tommy noticed, Nikki didn’t have a shirt on, he was sitting in the floor in his boxers, and their were scars littering the bassists chest, stomach and shoulders. Tommy’s brows furrowed in confusion and his studied the small circular scars, and there was one particularly large one on Nikki’s left pec and _what the fuck._

“Can’t believe you’re still out here. It’s been like 2 hours.” Nikki’s voice pulled Tommy’s eyes away from the scars and back to his eyes, it sounded much too rough for Tommy’s ears. He longed to hear the happy, warm tone that Nikki’s voice always gets whenever he tells Tommy he loves him, he wants that voice _back_, goddammit.

“Where else would I be? I’m not just gonna _abandon_ you Nikki, I really wish you’d believe that.”

And it was the truth. Nikki’s abandonment issues had surfaced well before the two had ever become intimate with each other, rearing their ugly heads whenever the two had a disagreement, leaving Nikki expecting to have to fill the Tommy sized hole in his heart with whatever illegal substances would fit in it, but he never could seem to chase the drummer away despite his imperfections and traumas.

Nikki was looking at him, mask crumbling more with each passing second, and he just looked so fucking _grateful_ that Tommy was still here, it was hurting his heart to even look at Nikki. The fact that Nikki was so clueless about what it was like to be loved still hurt Tommy.

“They’re from… from my mom.” Tommy continued to stare at Nikki’s face as he turned his head to avoid meeting Tommy’s eyes. “Sometimes her boyfriends. Cigarettes usually, the big one was a curling iron.”

Fuck, Tommy needed to be the strong one here, Nikki needed him, but he couldn’t help the tears stinging his eyes. Who could do this to any child, let alone _Nikki_, his beautiful Nikki, the dark angel that he never knew he needed in his life until he came into it, and now the drummer couldn’t live without him and _fuck_, Nikki had hidden this for so long and he really needs to breathe but its so fucking **HARD**-

“I use makeup for photoshoots and shows. No one… No one has ever seen them before. You’re the first. I fucking hate them, they’re so fucking ugly and just remind me of all those fuckng bastards…”

Yeah, Tommy was crying now, but he wasn’t ashamed of it, this was his _baby_, the love of his life, and listening to the self deprecating talk, listening to Nikki use the word ‘_ugly_’ referring to himself was too fucking much. If it had been anyone else saying those words, Tommy would have beat their ass into the ground, but this was Nikki, and Nikki was holding tears back too he could tell, and then Tommy was taking his face and turning it to meet the bassist’s shiny eyes again.

“The story behind those might be ugly, Nikki, but you’re so fucking _beautiful_. I- I love you so fucking much.”

Nikki was sobbing then, throwing himself on Tommy’s lap, and Tommy was shocked at first at the rare display of vulnerability. Tommy felt the burning nerves and muscles in his body begin to sooth now that he had Nikki in his arms. He rocked the bassist back and forth, shushing him and petting his hair, happy to be there to comfort him when he needed him. Tommy was prepared to sit there and do this all fucking night if he had to.

Tommy sat there for the next 15 minutes, holding his boyfriend while he unleashed all the tears and frustrations and hurts that he had built up in his body, until he felt the older man pull back enough to plant a hard kiss on his lips.

Tommy smiled into the kiss, the tingling feeling remaining on his lips when Nikki pulled back to mumble out an _I love you _to the drummer. Tommy leaned forward and peppered Nikki’s collarbone with kisses, a gasp leaving the bassist’s throat when Tommy’s lips dipped down to the large scar on his pectoral muscle, the drummer sucking a love bite into the darkened flesh.

“You always said you like it when I leave hickies behind, right? Well that’s my new permanent hickey spot.”

Nikki was choking out a laugh, his eyes sparkling despite the fact that his tears had dried up. They now sparkled with the love he held for his drummer, his _savior_.

“No one will ever touch you like that again, babe. I don’t want you looking at that spot and thinking of her, I want you to look at it and think of _me_.”

Nikki managed to let out a smile at his boyfriend’s words, letting them wash over his heart and appease his soul and he tucked himself back under Tommy’s chin and just let himself be held. He was smiling into Tommy’s T-shirt, with the love bite that was sucked into his chest seeped through the cold memories that had imbedded themselves into that scar and dispelled them.

“Thank God, I was tired of waking up sweaty from my T-shirt’s.” Nikki mumbled into Tommy’s chest and felt the rumble as the drummer huffed out a laugh into his hair.

In that moment, Nikki knew that there wasn’t one scar that he had that Tommy couldn’t heal, and he couldn’t help but feel eternally grateful that the drummer was persistent enough to push through his initial resistance to anything involving love or comfort.

“Come on, your back has to be killing you.”

And then Nikki was standing up, pulling Tommy with him with a peck to the lips, headed to their bed to sleep comfortably for the first time in years.


End file.
